The other day, I was talking with my BFF Brittni and we were joking around. For some reason, I blurted out, "The worst day of my life was finding out I was pregnant."
*Gasp*
Ok, before you take this too seriously, I'll set the stage for you. Britt has psychic abilities. Two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, she told me I was pregnant...and having a boy (weird). Part of this "worst day of my life" thing was the fact that I had been in denial for two weeks and dismissed any reasoning that would put Brittni in the right. Secondly, I was in college, come on.Jarod took the news ten times better than I did, and honestly, was a little excited about it in some ways. I think it was the part of him that just wanted to pack me up in his suitcase and take me whenever he went. Now, he had a family in the works. That excited him in the best way possible.
I was in a depression. I was feeling sick, I could already hear the disappointment in my parent's faces and on top of that, I was going to be fat. I picture pregnant women in two ways: 1. Happily glowing with a bump in the front and 2. a hot sweaty mess. I was certain I'd be the later. For weeks, I convinced myself I was huge, when in reality, I had lost about 10 pounds before I gained anything. I was for sure trying to hide any signs of being pregnant from my family, friends, and classmates. I didn't want to disappoint anyone with more of a mess than I had already made my life at this point and I didn't want to be stared at. For about four months, I was in silent agony, wishing I could just let everyone know I was pregnant, and just be on bed rest.
I had gone to the doctor once to find out for sure I was pregnant. The heartbeat touched Jarod's heart, I could definitely tell that at that moment, Jarod realized that this was real. I didn't go back to the doctor for another 2 months. This was mostly due to the fact that we couldn't figure out how we were going to pay for all of this... none of the health insurance plans I had covered pre-natal care for me. Another small part of this was because I didn't want this all to be true. Although I lost out in some pre-natal care, the bright side of this was pretending not to be pregnant for 5 months makes the last 4 a lot easier to deal with. I didn't have any anxiety about having the baby finally pop out of me. And although he never said it, I believe my doctor thought I was going to be the worst mom in the world. Not only did I wait until the fourth or fifth month to really go to the doctor, I had no real interest in what was growing inside of me. My questions were very focused on just making sure I was doing the bare minimum requirements to have a healthy baby. I'm sure he thought I was going to give birth to a low weight disabled child.
Even to the day that Sam was born, everything was so mechanical. I was just going through the motions without having any emotions. I didn't feel excited to be a mother. Every time I thought about my new family, I kind of panicked. I still get this feeling when I think about it sometimes. This isn't playing house anymore and it definitely isn't college. Having a kid and getting married isn't a game. This is real life. These feelings really shocked me. If you ask anyone who knows me in the slightest way, my entire goal for my life was to become a mom and to have a family. The duties of a wife and mother have always excited me, but now, it's happening, and every day, the reality of it all sets in a little more, and I panic. While I can say that this is mainly due to the way it all happened, that's a lie. Yes, Sam was unexpected and yes, Jarod and I only had known each other for a little over a year. But Jarod is a great guy who has taken on this responsibility of lovingly caring for his surprise family with the greatest strides. It was like he had planned this all along.
I thought I didn't deserve this type of life. For all of the mess ups, break ups, and fudge ups, I didn't think that I wanted was something that I would be able to attain so easily. Here I have this great guy who has never done anything but try and make me happy deciding, on the fly, that we are going to have a family. What the heck. On top of that, we made the cutest little boy I have ever seen, who is smart (what?) and steals hearts on a daily basis. What could I ask more for?
I am not the eternal optimist. I'm actually a pretty big Negative Nancy. But today, dreaming about my imperfect life with my happy husband and lil bebe puts the biggest internal smile on my face. The worst day of my life doesn't seem so bad anymore after kisses like that.
Gosh am I lucky.
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