The Best Kiss Ever

Today, I was given my first real kisses from my lil baby boy.  My heart melted as he clenched his hands around my face and slobbered all over my cheeks.  I can't believe how much I love him.

The other day, I was talking with my BFF Brittni and we were joking around.  For some reason, I blurted out, "The worst day of my life was finding out I was pregnant."  

  *Gasp* 

 Ok, before you take this too seriously, I'll set the stage for you.  Britt has psychic abilities.  Two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, she told me I was pregnant...and having a boy (weird).  Part of this "worst day of my life" thing was the fact that I had been in denial for two weeks and dismissed any reasoning that would put Brittni in the right.  Secondly, I was in college, come on.

Jarod took the news ten times better than I did, and honestly, was a little excited about it in some ways.  I think it was the part of him that just wanted to pack me up in his suitcase and take me whenever he went.  Now, he had a family in the works.  That excited him in the best way possible.

I was in a depression.  I was feeling sick, I could already hear the disappointment in my parent's faces and on top of that, I was going to be fat.  I picture pregnant women in two ways: 1. Happily glowing with a bump in the front and 2. a hot sweaty mess.  I was certain I'd be the later.  For weeks, I convinced myself I was huge, when in reality, I had lost about 10 pounds before I gained anything.  I was for sure trying to hide any signs of being pregnant from my family, friends, and classmates.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone with more of a mess than I had already made my life at this point and I didn't want to be stared at.  For about four months, I was in silent agony, wishing I could just let everyone know I was pregnant, and just be on bed rest.

I had gone to the doctor once to find out for sure I was pregnant.  The heartbeat touched Jarod's heart, I could definitely tell that at that moment, Jarod realized that this was real.  I didn't go back to the doctor for another 2 months.  This was mostly due to the fact that we couldn't figure out how we were going to pay for all of this... none of the health insurance plans I had covered pre-natal care for me.  Another small part of this was because I didn't want this all to be true.  Although I lost out in some pre-natal care, the bright side of this was pretending not to be pregnant for 5 months makes the last 4 a lot easier to deal with. I didn't have any anxiety about having the baby finally pop out of me.  And although he never said it, I believe my doctor thought I was going to be the worst mom in the world.  Not only did I wait until the fourth or fifth month to really go to the doctor, I had no real interest in what was growing inside of me.  My questions were very focused on just making sure I was doing the bare minimum requirements to have a healthy baby.  I'm sure he thought I was going to give birth to a low weight disabled child.

Even to the day that Sam was born, everything was so mechanical.  I was just going through the motions without having any emotions.  I didn't feel excited to be a mother.  Every time I thought about my new family, I kind of panicked.  I still get this feeling when I think about it sometimes.  This isn't playing house anymore and it definitely isn't college.  Having a kid and getting married isn't a game.  This is real life.  These feelings really shocked me.  If you ask anyone who knows me in the slightest way, my entire goal for my life was to become a mom and to have a family.  The duties of a wife and mother have always excited me, but now, it's happening, and every day, the reality of it all sets in a little more, and I panic.  While I can say that this is mainly due to the way it all happened, that's a lie.  Yes, Sam was unexpected and yes, Jarod and I only had known each other for a little over a year.  But Jarod is a great guy who has taken on this responsibility of lovingly caring for his surprise family with the greatest strides.  It was like he had planned this all along.

I thought I didn't deserve this type of life.  For all of the mess ups, break ups, and fudge ups, I didn't think that I wanted was something that I would be able to attain so easily.  Here I have this great guy who has never done anything but try and make me happy deciding, on the fly, that we are going to have a family.  What the heck.  On top of that, we made the cutest little boy I have ever seen, who is smart (what?) and steals hearts on a daily basis.  What could I ask more for?

I am not the eternal optimist.  I'm actually a pretty big Negative Nancy.  But today, dreaming about my imperfect life with my happy husband and lil bebe puts the biggest internal smile on my face.  The worst day of my life doesn't seem so bad anymore after kisses like that.

Gosh am I lucky.

PROJECT: Hawt Stuff

Two weeks until I'm back in Houston with my love.  I'm so excited to finally be with Jarod again and to see everyone!  Honestly, I just want to be able to drink with people instead of myself.  This trip also means Vi Pham has to shape up before seeing her drill sergeant/husband-to-be.

The other day, I told Jarod I missed being pregnant.  (Don't worrrrry, it's not going to really happen for awhile.)  I don't mean I want to have a small fetus feeding off of me like a parasite; I miss my lovely lady lumps.  I enjoyed being bigger than a house.  It will probably be the only time I will be able to get away with finishing my plate and Jarod's and spending a full hour at the dinner table chomping down.  Granted, by the 9th month, my back hurt, I couldn't sit up without help and I rolled around the bed, I loved hearing how pretty I looked when I met strangers.  I knew they were lying, I was a hot mess.  But seriously, being pregnant is one of the best things ever.

Cut to... now.  My diet has devolved from Mai Pham's healthy asian meals (she seriously even cut fruit for me to eat everyday) to Folger's breakfast blend in the morning, combos in the afternoon, and Lean Cuisine's Santa Fe Style Rice and Beans and Moscato at night.  I seriously have to force myself to drink water at times because I've been on the brink of dehydration.

I was able to lose my baby weight pretty quickly.  I only gained about 30 pounds during my pregnancy.  I credit this to 1. Walking 3 laps around the apartment in the afternoon 2. Cravings of orange juice and oatmeal and 3. Sleeping 10 hours every day (not including bed time).  It's seriously a miracle that Sam came out as perfect as he did. But seriously, I believe the credit to Sammy should be my mother.  After Sam was born, Jarod had to leave fairly quickly, so I was with baby Sam 24/7.  Even though I spent a good amount of time at my parent's house for help, I felt overwhelmed.  New babies are not easy, no matter how great they are, they need a lot of attention which requires a lot of time.  I was depressed that Jarod was gone, probably had a bit of postpartum depression (I honest to God thought everyone was trying to take my baby away), and was just plain tired with my new schedule.  I hardly slept and hardly ate for 3 weeks. At the same time that this was all happening, I never really felt being tired or hungry.  I went days without eating, only drinking water and I seemed to be fine.  I finally came down to see Jarod for our 6 weeks together, and I pretty much left everything for him.  I let Jarod take care of Sam and he did a great job.  He did Sam's morning feeding so I could sleep in, played with the kid, made me meals...Jarod is a godsend.  By week two, I was finally myself again and it was fabulous.

When we got back to Ohio, I started school and was by myself with Sam.  This time, even more, because I didn't stay at my parent's anymore.  Getting a schedule down was hard.  I had to turn everything I did around to accommodate getting Sam ready for my parent's house, getting myself ready, and doing school work.  I seriously had to let go of any unrealistic notion that I could do this perfectly and on my own.  I don't know how single mothers do it.  I have a family helping me along the way, and I'm having a hard time.  One day, I looked in the mirror and my eyes were sunken in and I was skinnier than pre-pregnancy.  I skip meals pretty often, because I'm too tired to make them, and honestly don't have an appetite for anything.  I regularly go to the grocery store and walk around several times over and hardly have anything in my cart.

I have to get into some sort of shape before I see Jarod.  I decided on an exercise routine beginning with the treadmill in the early morning hours, but failed today because Sammy didn't wake up til late.  I will also begin my new exercise dvd that I purchased one early morning through an infomercial.  Loooves it!  I bought a tanning package for wayyy too much aaand I started the intense Crest professional white strips... It hurts to open my mouth.  Jarod better appreciate this.

Sammyyyy

Looks like it's grocery store time!

Sammy is starting veggggies! Yum!  Actually, I've never fed him veggies.  Grandmother Dearest has taken over that responsibility.  I'm really not sure how this is going to work.  My mom is pretty set on making his baby food and I don't own a blender.  I think we'll probably get a doggie bag with baby food for the weekends.  Faaaantastic.  I honestly haven't had time with Sam where he's been up for longer than 10 minutes.  The Pham house wears him out as much as it does for me.  I swear, he lets out a sigh of relief every time we walk in the door (that is, if he's still awake)  I miss my Sammy terribly.  I'm glad it's almost Friday.  That's Mommy/Sammy PJ day!

Sammy and I had a great Valentine's Day.  Mommy had a couple glasses of wine, we got to see Daddy on our Skype Sesh, and I had dinner with my BFF Britt over the phone (not so sure she realized it).  As I promised many, here are some "extras" from our V-day shoot for this year's Valentine's day card:

I think I might have the cutest little boy evaaa.


Did you know? It's a bad idea to taunt a crocodile by sticking your tongue out at him... he can't and I'm sure it'd make him really mad.  You should never make a crocodile anger.

The Lie that Created the Conscience.

Before I start putting together my presentation on the Ukrainian Revolution, I should probably address the lie that was originally a funny thought on my Facebook.

My birthday is July 15th.

I happen to be reminiscing with my BFF Brittni about birthdays on FB.  Every year, I get Happy Birthdays from people I haven't talked to, people I don't know and of course (the minority) people that are my real (by real I mean, people I actually know) on Facebook.  While I do get a good amount of birthday comments, compared to the amount of people I "know" it's actually quite a small amount.  I decided that this week, I would change my birthday to every day of the week.  Just to see how many people would catch on aaand to see if anyone knows when my birthday is.  As Brittni giggled, I changed my birthday.  ha ha.  Whatever.  This morning, I, of course, got the notifications.  Instant shame.

The people that said happy birthday?  People who just just met not more than 3 months ago and don't actually know when my birthday is.  (Except Kaley, who should know better.  I'll blame your scrambled med student mind)  Great.  I make fantastic impressions.  I'm sorry, I'm a jerk.   I texted (game dayyy) Jarod about this.... his response? You are a bitch. Mmmm tttthaaanks husband.  hahaha.  Anyway, as one of the people that knows me best, and as my active human conscience, he pointed out that not everyone keeps an address book with birth dates in it and has memorized birthdays of friends since middle school (actually pre-school... Sara Bailer (prounounced Sawa Baiwer) : January 19th cha ching!) As Jarod would point out, I'm a bitch and a weirdo.  I should really start checking with him before I do things.  Maybe it's Jarod, maybe it's the mother in me, but seriously, lying isn't as fun as it can be at the bar.

I wanted to write a different funny post this week, but I really felt bad even though it's Facebook.  (Honestly, its not like I changed my birth certificate)  Jarod made me feel really bad.

I'll write again after I make the best powerpoint ever.

Maybe.

Did you know? Here's a Valentine's Day fact for you:  Contrary to the belief of many, Valentine's Day is a really holiday that commemorates St. Valentine.  The guy was a martyr.  In Roman times, it was illegal to be Christian, let alone be married in the Christian church.  Guess who did it?  That's right, St. Valentine himself.  There's a massacre, a feast in recognition of it, eventual miracles... the details of this are fuzzy because I learned this in 3rd grade.  Anyway, it is a holiday about love and an actual guy named Valentine.  Truth or not, celebrate with your lovey tomorrow and don't worry about the details and have a great Fun day Sunday!

By the way, Sweetest Day is fake.

The first step is to admit you have a problem

Hello... my name is Vi and I'm addicted to procrastination.

Sooo, this is awkward.  I haven't written a post in like, 2 weeks and I'm sure everyone thought that I had given up on it....like every other diary I've ever tried to keep.  My older sister was so good at it.  She has probably written volumes of journals, and I was always jealous.  I honestly feel bad for everyone that started reading this and has now, probably, given up.

Here's my excuse.  I decided, in my head, that I would write an entry once a week instead of everyday.  School has been a little more of a headache than I originally planned, but no biggie.  Every Saturday was my goal.  Wellll, good old Jarod was on All Star Break and decided to make a little road trip to Oxford, Ohio.  Let me tell you why this upsets me.

About a month ago, I found out that Jarod had a longer break where he could come visit.  Of course I jumped on the computer and found a roundtrip airline ticket for under 200 dollars.  A-mazing.  Except, Jarod made me choose between Sam and me coming down during my Spring Break for 9 days or Jarod coming for 2.  So I made my decision and went about my life.  Keep in mind, this break occurred about a month into school and I had finally gotten into a routine with everything.  I thrive on routine.  I'm a robot.  If anything is out of sync, I get very frazzled and it's hard to get back in the groove.  Well, Jarod drops a bomb two Saturdays ago... "You should probably go to the grocery store because I'm coming to see you."  ughhh.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVED Jarod's visit.  It was a great surprise, Sammy was so excited to see his Daddy, and I got one more day with the love of my life.  But, it was 18 hours here and back (just driving, not with his stops)  and about 20 hours with us.  I felt really bad for him, but he apparently didn't mind doing it, so more power to him.  He's crazy, but I love his crazy.

So I didn't really realize how busy I've been with school until last week.  I think Jarod made me hit a brick wall with his visit and everything caught up around me.  I was kinda in a daze, just trying to get things done when I could and never really thought about how I went about doing them.  Now I'm laying in my bed, glasses of wine and coffee on every available surface and no pants on.  I'm a mess.  I've stopped putting away the laundry that I do, and just keep them in the baskets and use what I need.  Honestly, why did they invent drawers?  I find opening them to be inconvenient.  Jarod hates this about me.  The first time he came to my apartment when we started dating, he said, "Would you like me to help you clean?"  I had been cleaning for like, 2 hours.  My stuff was in neat stacks on the floor and I was proud of myself.  I instantly felt like a big fail. hahaha.

Sammy is growing up.  It saddens me every night as I now sleep alone.  He's decided that he wants to be in his own bed in his own room now.  Of course, Sammy can't talk or make real decisions on his own, but every time I carry him past his bedroom door, he cracks up and gets so excited.  It's the mobile.  (I'm about to throw it away.)  He loves seeing it circle above his head as it plays that stupid lullaby song.  I don't even understand how it helps him sleep.  I'm obvi jealous.  But seriously...  what baby just decides he would rather sleep alone AND all night?  Aren't they supposed to be very whiney and upset about being alone?  He's so weird.

I'm sure I have a lot more to say, but it's on to the next thing on my to do list.  Hopefully I'll write sooner than 2 weeks from now.

Did you know? The horn of a rhino is made of compacted hair?